A not so Motivational Monday

“Accept what you are feeling.” 

I try to be a pretty positive person and I try to look on the bright side of every situation. I would say 80% of the time, I am able to do so. But I have really been struggling with finding a bright side these past couple of days. On Wednsday night I got some news from my mom about my aunt who was diagnosed with cancer November of 2015.

Things are not looking good, the cancer has spread to her entire body and treatment is not working. My aunt is being sent home on hospice and I’ve been told she has maybe two weeks but it could be longer, the doctors are not sure.

This his me like a ton of bricks. As soon as I read those words on my phone screen I broke out into tears. The next morning it hit me again, I had a total breakdown. It hit me again later that evening, I just sat in my car crying. I couldn’t control my thoughts. I couldn’t wrap my mind around all of it, it felt impossible that this is my family’s reality. It doesn’t make any sence.

I’ve had really only one previous encounter with losing a loved one when my grandpa passed away when I was in the 7th grade. His death was very sudden, nobody expected it. One afternoon my parents just packed me and my siblings in the car and said we were going to Texas. I had no idea why or what was going on. We drove straight to the hospital in Texas from Connecticut. It wasn’t until we parked in the hospital parking lot that my parents told me my grandfather was sick. I don’t really remember the chain of events after that.

And I don’t really remember how I dealt with everything back then, except I would listen to “I miss you” by Miley Cyrus on repeat.

I’m 20 years old now and faced with losing a loved one again. It is so unfair that this is happening. I keep thinking about my aunt’s husband and two children. About her granddaughter that was born 6 months ago. About her sisters, about her brother (my dad), and about her mom (my grandma). How do you handle that kind of news? How do you prepare?

I don’t know how to handle the situation myself, I am so overtaken with sadness and heartache.

Each time I break down and cry and shout to the universe to PLEASE give her the miracle she needs I would think so myself, “You are being so negative right now. All these negative thoughts you’re having and all the negative emotions you’re feeling.” I was trying to force myself to think on the bright side and stay positive but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t accept that this was happening and it was out of any of our hands.

And then I remembered this quote, “Accept what you are feeling.” And I gave myself a break. What my aunt, myself, and my family is facing is an impossible situation. I know so many people lose loved ones every day. But you never expect to experience it first hand. When I found out my aunt had been diagnosed I knew this would be the fight of her life, I knew it would be hard, I would it would be the toughest thing she’d ever encounter. But I never though it would take her. I never thought it would take her so soon.

I am trying to remind myself that in impossible situations like this it’s okay to be pissed and angry at the world, to scream and cry and completely break down. It’s okay to let these sad emotions take over your body for a while, but not forever.

I am not giving up hope. While I have felt so hopeless, I’ve had people already remind me that miracles happen EVERY SINGLE DAY. So I will hold on to that faith and I will continue to pray and hope and plead that she gets the miracle she needs.

And if anybody who comes across this posts, please pray too.

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