Going through a break up and dealing with heartache fucking sucks, let me just tell you. Especially your first experience with it, I have no idea what I’m doing or how to handle it all. I have been asking for advice from friends who have gone through tough break ups, I have been turning to poetry to help me understand my emotions, I have talked to my friends and my family. I even googled “How to get over a breakup when you’re still in love.” I’ve done it all. Nothing really seems to help… I think because I keep looking for other people to take my pain away and I don’t want to go through the healing process, I just want to be healed already. But I know that’s not how it works.
So I guess the point of this post is sorta like a letter to myself. A little pep talk. I want to have something to come back and look on once I’m on the other side. To see where I started and how far I’ve come. I’m not really sure how this post is going to play out, I’m just going to write, and it’s probably going to be pretty personal. But here it is.
“I think we should break up right now.”
“Any chance for us in the future. Gone.”
“We’re not going to talk about this. You can be my friend or not but that’s up to you.”
I know you are hurting so badly right now. You have never experienced anything like this before. Before now, you didn’t truly know how betrayal and rejection felt. You don’t understand how someone who says they love you, can continue to destroy you time and time again. And you know they are hurting too. You are trying to be understanding but you can’t continue to give so much of yourself to somebody else, that it leaves you with nothing for yourself. You are not asking for too much, you are just asking the wrong person. I know you have been fighting so hard to make things work with him, but you can’t do all the work on your own. relationships are a two-way street. You can not continue to make excuses for him, even though I know you want to. You like to believe the best in people but how many chances can you give? I know you feel like you are giving up, that there is more you could do. I know you are worried that you’re going to regret not trying harder, but sweetie, you have done way more than anybody expected you to. You did way more than he deserved. So don’t be regretful. You are going to be able to look back and know you honestly gave it your all with everything you had inside you. And you should be proud of that! Putting yourself out there like that, being so vulnerable and completely cut open, wearing your heart so loudly and so boldly on your sleeve is not something you do easily or often. It’s not something you do, period. But you did. And although things did not end in the way you had intended or hoped for, you took a risk and that’s all you can do. “A bad relationship is like standing on broken glass, if you stay you will keep hurting. If you walk away, you will hurt but eventually you will heal.” I know how badly you want to already be healed. I know you wish you could skip the healing process and jump to the other side. I know you are longing for someone to come and take your pain away, or tell you how to deal with it. They all say it will get better with time and eventually you will no longer be in pain. That you don’t need him and you deserve someone way better. You know they’re right, but that doesn’t make you feel any better. You know that once you are healed you will look back at yourself now and be amazed at the progress you made. How you let go of someone you thought you’d never be able to let go of. You will move on and you will be genuinely happy. You will stand tall, with a smile on your face. You will take a deep breath and you will be thankful for all the pain and hurt and sadness you went through, because it made you so much stronger. You have made so many positive changes in your life and 2017 has been an incredible year so far. You will be on the other side and you will confidently be able to say, “I made it.”
So stay busy, it will help you stay distracted and off your phone. Keep up with your running and your gym routine, you’ll only regret the workout you didn’t do! Continue going to the lake and spending time in the sun, it makes you feel so good. Keep attending church, even when you didn’t get home until 3am the night before, you will always be glad you went. Lean on your friends and your family, that’s what they are there for. You are allowed to be pissed and angry and hateful, for a little while, but remember those feelings are only going to hurt yourself. Cry. Cry until you literally can not cry anymore. It’s okay to be sad. “You must let the pain visit. You must allow it to teach you. You must not allow it to over stay.” When your heart starts trying to convince your head to give him another shot when he has done nothing to prove he deserves one, remind yourself “Not everyone you lose is a loss.” Stop wishing for a grand big gesture, you told him over and over again that actions speak louder than words and look where you are. I know you want one so so badly, but you know he isn’t going to do that, wishing for that will only prolong your healing. And with time you will wake up a little less sad every day and you will notice the tears don’t come near as often as before. You will eventually be able to eat Oreos, or hear the word paraplegic, or see a Champs and no longer associate him with those things. It will take time, and it will be painful, but you will make it through. And you will be so happy. And you will be so so proud of yourself. You can do this.