Doubt. Fucking doubt.
Doubt is a fucking son of a bitch.
I’m sorry for the swearing, but really. I honestly can’t think of anything I hate more than doubt. Doubting myself, my decisions, my choices, my abilities, my friends, my family, my co-workers… just damn doubt.
I have been struggling with doubt A LOT recently… and the more I let my mind think about it, the more I realize I have been struggling with doubt for a few months. Of course, everybody struggles with doubting themselves, I know that. I feel like it has been something front and center in life and I am frankly getting tired of it. Mostly doubting myself, my thought process, my actions, my relationships, what I want, what I THINK I want, what I think I need, what I think I know what’s best for me. I’m just so full of doubt. Always thinking I am doing what is best for myself, and (mostly) believing it wholeheartedly and then the doubt sinks in. Even if only a sliver, creeping in and snatching away my confidence.. my assurance and making me question everything. Making me so unsure of everything that I was absolutely positive about just minutes ago. I go back and forth and it’s tiring. It’s unfair. I’m exhausted. I like the days when everything feels rights, like I am doing the “right thing”. But then there are days, like tonight, where my mind just drifts and it doesn’t know where it’s going. Is there really a such thing as the “right thing to do”? Honestly. I don’t know. Maybe you just make decisions, whether they be right or wrong, and then you get reactions based on those decisions. And that is your life. You think you are in control but you’re really not. Ugh, I don’t know. And ugh, again with the doubt. Like I said, son of a b*tch.