I am.

“Instead of focusing on finding the right one, channel your energy into being the right one.”

I’ve been a hopeless romantic all my life. Sometimes I love that about myself, and sometimes I hate it. I tend to over analyze and over think. I tend to force myself to down play a situation, thinking maybe I’m just being a little crazy, maybe it’s not really that big a deal. And I think it can backfire very badly if I’m not careful. I think all my life I have been way to focused on trying to find the right one rather than being the right one. I have been doing a lot of soul-searching the past few months and I felt like I was making a lot of progress… until recently. Now I feel like I’ve taken more than a few steps back. And I feel awful about it. I stand in front of the mirror and I don’t recognize the girl staring back at me. I have done things I am NOT proud of. Things I regret, things I wish I could change, things I wish would’ve never happened. And I obviously know that I can’t do anything about the things that have already happened, all I can do is move forward with what is. Like I said in my post a few days ago, “Maybe you just make decisions, whether they be right or wrong, and then you get reactions based on those decisions. And that is your life.” And that is what I’m faced with now. I’m struggling with who I am, what I want, doubt, fear, insecurities, regret, shamefullness, and sadness. It’s not all bad though, I still believe 2017 will be the happiest year of my life. I am learning, changing, growing, maturing, and figuring myself out. Although I’d like to already be at the finish line I know I can not rush the process. So I will try to be patient, understanding, and calm about whatever happens next. The quote talks about channeling your energy into BEING the right one. I thought I was doing that, I’ve realized I haven’t. And now that I’ve made that realization I’m ready to finally become the women I want to be.

“Become the person you would ideally fall in love with. Let cars merge into your lane when driving. Stick your tongue out at babies. Compliment strangers. Challenge yourself to not ridicule anymore for an entire day, then two, then a week. Walk with straight posture. Look people in the eye. Ask people about their story. Talk to acquaintances so you becomes friends. Take time to marvel at the worlds little treasures.” 

I read this quote a few weeks back and immediately fell in love with it. I thought it was something very beautiful. And I think it goes really well with the first quote in this post. Now that I am actually ready to become the women I want to be I can apply this quote to my life, “Become the person you would ideally fall in love with”. So that’s what I’m going to do. I am going to stick to my morals. I am going to be honest. I am going to be positive and happy. I am going to be light. I am going to be joy. I am going to be strong. I am going to be a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter. I am going to be my best. I won’t be perfect but I am going to try. I am going to be the best version of myself. A version I can be proud of. I am not perfect, nobody is. We all make mistakes. I am going to own up to my actions, I am going to take accountability. I am going to be forgiving, but not naive. I am going to be everything I want in somebody else. I am going to become the person I would ideally fall in love with.

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