But I’m proud I can admit that.

“I’m not proud of all the things I did.

But I’m proud I can admit that.” 

One of my favorite hippies, Mod Sun, tweeted this a few days ago and it’s been in the back of my mind since. I saw this tweet at the most perfect time. It’s like it was sign from the universe or something. And so I just was to speak, well write, on the topic.

I wrote a post a few days ago called, “I am.” and that pertained heavily to my guilty conscious and just mistakes that I’ve made recently and I feel like I kind of lost myself for a second. I have a lot of work to do but I feel like I am slowing, day by day, find my way back. I used to let my mistakes and disappoints eat at me. Drain me of all my excitement and energy until I was stuck in a constant state of dispproval and depression. A LOT of shit has happened the past few weeks and it almost feels crazy to think about. When I do think about it, I create this picture in my head and it’s me, standing there. I am looking at myself but I don’t recognize the person staring back at me. It’s like my physically body and my spiritual body are detached, and they’re not the same person.

And now, as I walk my way back to who I am, and who I want to be, I stand tall. And proud. Proud that I haven’t let my mistakes beat me down. That I have own up to them, recognized them for what they are and I can take responsibility.  I am proud that I can admit to myself, and to others, that I am NOT proud of all the things I have done. But I am endlessly proud that I can admit that. I think I used to try to blame all my troubles and mistakes on others. My failures, disappointments, mistakes, sad feelings, bad moods. But The fact that I can take ownership for the things I’ve done is something I will always be proud of, and I will not let anybody steal that from me.

I was talking with my dad the other day about some of the things that have happened and he asked me, “Are you still friends with him?” and I said no. And then he said, “Are you mad at him, angry?” and I again, said no. He asked me why, and how can I not be upset? And I told him, “Dad, I’ve already made the decision of what to do (or in this case what not to do) and it’s my decision. Being mad and angry and upset is not going to hurt anybody but myself, so WHY would I do that?”

None of us are perfect, none of us. But mistake mean we are living, they mean we are human. Being nervous means we give a damn. Failures are better than just sitting around never trying anything new. I am not proud of all the things I have done. I have secrets that I want to save for just myself. I have dark parts of my past and things I am ashamed of. But I can admit that and bring those facts to life. People do bad things, but that does not mean they are bad people. I’d like to be able to say my mistakes do not define me, but I believe in a way they do. I also believe how you act after the fact is just as, if not more, important. You have the ability to change your life, your personality, your hair color, your beliefs, literally anything at any given moment! Mistakes are going to happen, it’s inevitable. What you do to correct those mistakes is what truly defines you.

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